


Say Something

by shes_cured



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Jonnor - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-10 09:04:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5579535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shes_cured/pseuds/shes_cured
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jude never had been good at expressing feelings, but Connor always was good at prying them out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

They were playing video games again. They weren’t Jude’s favorite games to play. Connor knew all too well that he would rather be doing dishes than playing another shooting game, so when he stared at the brown-haired boy who refused to look at him he knew something was up.

“Jude?”

“C’mon, we’re getting to the good part,” he urged his boyfriend to continue playing. Lately he's always wanted to talk and Jude didn't want to talk. Not about things like their relationship.

Connor took the black controller, gently releasing it from his boyfriend’s hands. “Why don’t you want to talk to me?”

“I do, I was just playing-“

“Jude,” Connor interrupted. He wasn’t in the mood to hear excuses. He was already becoming accustomed to hearing too many of those. He loved the boy sitting beside him, but talking wasn’t Jude’s specialty. He knew that it wasn’t and that Jude hated talking, but he was being weird lately and he deserved to know why. Did he do something?

“What’s up?” he turned to face him with a smile. It wasn’t the smile the taller boy loved, but rather a smile that he forced out to avoid confrontation. Connor knew him - no matter how badly Jude wished he didn't. He let Connor in... He swore he'd never let anyone in this far.

“What’s up?” Connor repeated his words. “You’ve been weird lately.”

“No I haven’t,” he shrugged. “Sorry, I must just be tired.”

Connor didn’t break his stare. Jude thought he might burn a hole through his eyes. Well, if they did burn through his eyes at least then he wouldn’t have to talk. He hated talking more than anything. He was gay. So, maybe he was gay.

Jude broke the eye contact, looking down at his fingers. Connor wanted to reach towards him and interlace their hands, but he didn’t know anymore. What did Jude even want nowadays? It had been days since they’d had a meaningful conversation and when he brought that up the small boy just shrugged it off and changed the subject.

“How’s Daria doing? Have you talked to her late-“

“She’s been a good friend,” he didn’t let the thought finish. “What’s going on?”

He didn’t break his record of avoiding a real conversation. They both knew it was probably due to being in the foster system for so long. It didn’t take a genius to realize how deep Jude’s fear of upsetting people or being abandoned went. He was better than Callie was when it came to dealing with things like this, but he was still a runner nonetheless.

“Why won’t you just talk to me?” he asked desperately. “Jude. I’m your friend above all else. I thought we could tell each other-“

“You won’t understand.”

“Well I can’t if you don’t give me the chance,” he challenged.

Jude could tell that he was getting rather annoyed but somehow he couldn’t get the words out. It was as if his lips were sewn shut. He had all these words, these feelings that he wanted to express but when the time came he just clammed up. Every time he tried he couldn’t express himself.

He tried telling Callie to practice saying how he felt to Connor, but even around her he was nervous. Besides, they weren’t as close as they once were so that didn’t help. She was involved with the other family members now. It wasn’t just the two of them anymore, despite how he wish it was. Times like these he frantically needed her one-on-one support. They weren’t in danger anymore and that seemed to put Callie at ease. She wasn’t as protective as she once was. So much had changed.

“I don’t get it,” Connor spoke up yet again when silence filled the air for another few minutes.

The game was still paused and Jude fought everything in him that was screaming to just go back and play the game again to make this much needed conversation to go away. It would just be the press of a button and maybe he would give up or save it for a later time. Maybe he could stall the conversation. As if reading his mind Connor moved the controller out of his reach.

“Am I bad for you? I’m bad for you, aren’t I?” he continued on and began asking the questions that had been floating around in his mind. All these questions went unanswered and he had to find a solution to some. No one had ever seen him more confused, more desperate to understand someone’s feelings. “I know I might be bad for you, I’m sorry, but-“

“What?” he asked incredulously, finally finding his voice. “You’re perfect for me. You’re the strong one though so you won’t understand. You don’t get it because you aren’t afraid. You’re okay with being gay-“

“I’m okay with it?” he asked in disbelief, clenching his fists due to mild frustration and staring at the ceiling fan go round and round above him. It spun almost as rapidly as the thoughts in his mind. “Have you met my dad? Trust me, I’m just as lost as you.”

Jude shot his eyes away from him again, staring at the floor in the corner of his eyes. He couldn’t look at Connor right now. He knew he went over a line – it’s not like being gay was any easier for Connor than it was himself. Somehow Connor had the guts though. He was coming to terms with it, which is a process that Jude was still having trouble with.

“I am terrified, Jude. I just… I need you in my life right now. Because you’re important. And if there’s someone who I want to do this with… It’s you, Jude... Since you walked in Anchor Beach… It’s been you… I’ve never liked a boy... before you… Don’t doubt it… this is scary for me too.”

His chopped up sentences made Jude look away. He loved this boy, he was sure of it. But people knowing, people staring – he couldn’t deal with that yet. He was finally getting rid of the stares from being a foster kid and wasn’t ready to give kids another reason to view him as different. That’s why he stopped doing things like putting on nail polish. He was so tired of being different.

“Please say something,” Connor murmured. He peeled his eyes off the ceiling and looked at his boyfriend, his first love, his everything. His dad didn’t get it, but he did. God damn, Connor got it perfectly. He was in love with Jude Adams-Foster.

Jude felt the same. He was crazy for this boy. He opened his mouth, but when he spoke his words were different that the sweet words he planned on telling his boyfriend.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore, Connor.”

He said it.


	2. Chapter 2

At lunch Connor began walking over to their table. Jude caught his eye but quickly looked away as if looking at him was going to spread a contagious disease that would wind up being terminal. The girls looked up at him just as he was turning away. He walked to a different table.

Jude felt horrible. Firstly because Connor felt shunned from being friends with him, then that he could tell the boy had clearly been crying. The guilt was clear. He couldn’t stop it from flowing into his body, making him want to retract the past three days. He shouldn’t have said it.

The worst part was, he knew she shouldn’t have said it, but gay? He couldn’t be gay. He was the foster kid, not the gay kid. He was simply confused. It probably truly was a mere phase. He was too young to know.  


The girls of the table then turned to Jude. Maybe it was just a funk or something.

“He okay?”

Jude looked down, not sure what to say. That Connor was mad at him? That they were fighting? Or maybe that they had broken up and were never going to be getting back together.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” he nodded.

They looked back at their friend as he sat down alone. Taylor and Daria looked at each other before nodding their heads. Daria got up and left for Connor while Taylor stayed with Jude. No one deserved to eat alone.

Taylor didn’t ask questions. It was honestly none of her business, and over the time she knew Jude he made it clear that he was a private person. He wasn’t stand offish, but he definitely was unsure of his life and therefore his choices.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jude made it clear.

Taylor took another bite out of her sandwich, chewing it while nodding. “I never asked.”

He looked up and smiled a bit as Taylor kept focusing on her lunch. She was obviously curious, but she was also the one person who respected Jude – even if she was the one who caused the problem of being out of the closet. Why did she even have to tell anyone? He couldn't be mad at her though. Right now she was the closest thing he had to a friend.  


“Do Brandon or Callie know where they’re going for college?”

Happy with the subject change, he still shrugged his shoulders. “They have no idea. I think Brandon has been applying - Callie and him are whispering something about Julliard. Obviously he hasn't told moms yet. On the other hand, it’s been ingrained in Callie’s mind that she wouldn’t be going to college so I’m guessing she’s still coming to terms with the fact that she is. Or at least that she can.”

“That's the most you've talked in a while," she noted. "You’ve been withdrawn lately.”

He looked back down again, withdrawing immediately in response to the accusation. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

****

She plopped her lunch tray on the table, causing Connor’s head to shoot up. He couldn’t help but be a little disappointed that it was just Daria. He liked her and all, but she was his friend. She was no Jude – even though he had tried to replace Jude with her once, it didn't work. Nothing worked.

“What’s going on?” she cut to the chase.

He was in shock for a moment. Thinking he would be eating alone had been bothering him all day, but eventually he answered unsurely. He didn’t want to betray Jude.

“I probably shouldn’t talk about it.”

She stumbled, not sure if she should push it or let it be. In the end she pushed. “Are you two fighting?”

“No,” Connor sighed. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

He was embarrassed, actually. He was humiliated by how much it hurt.

“If he rubbed you the wrong way you have to tell him,” she lectured. “You can’t just ignore him, Connor. I’d tell him the same thing. He’s your boyfriend for Christ’s sake-“

“He’s not my boyfriend,” he muttered.

Daria almost didn’t catch the words that came out under his breath. But she heard them well enough to resonate perfectly in her mind. “Don’t say that, I’m sure it’s just-“

He said it with more confidence this time. He was able to look up and meet her eye. “He’s not my boyfriend, Daria.”

She stared in awe, not quite believing the words. They were Jude and Connor. They had finally gotten over the fear of coming out. She thought they were end game - or at least that they'd last a little longer together.  


After a few seconds he looked away from her, messing with his food. The embarrassment had settled in again.  


“I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding,” she tried again.  


“It’s not.”

“How do you know?”

“It’s not.”

“But how do you-“

“It’s not,” he declared. “He broke up with me loud and clear. Please stop pressing it.”

They were silent the rest of the meal. She didn’t push anymore and he certainly wasn’t going to offer that his heart was broken and he’d cried himself to sleep all weekend. He broke his heart on a Friday, he should be better by now. He didn’t let himself get so attached - or at least he thought he didn't. Jude was just a boy.

“I’m here,” Daria told him when the bell rang.

His first instinct was to look over with Jude. He shot a glance at their regular table before his heart fell. He had already left. Only Taylor was there to give him a worried look. He knew by that one clueless look she had no idea.

Jude didn’t even care enough to talk about him.

****

“Did he say anything about me?” Jude asked as he stood in the way of Daria and her locker. “We’re in a fight is all so I was just wondering-“

“You broke up with him,” she accused.

He couldn’t defend himself against that claim because he did… He broke up with Connor Stevens and he couldn’t tell you why.

“Of course he talked about you,” she muttered, pushing him aside so she could open her locker.

He looked down, and although he knew the answer, he asked in his tiny voice anyway. “Are you mad at me now?”

She couldn’t answer because if she did she’d regret her words.

“You are, aren’t you-“

“I’m not mad at you,” she snapped. Her face softened. “At the same time, I’m not sure I can look at you right now. Do you know how hurt he is?”

He didn’t know. He hadn’t even texted him back. Connor sent him a few texts but Jude didn’t have the guts to reply. He had nothing to say to this boy. He had broken up with him and couldn’t process why he even did that. Because he was scared? Because he had lesbian moms yet didn’t accept himself for being gay? Maybe he wasn’t even gay.

“I can’t talk to you for a while, Jude. Connor needs a friend,” she gingerly told him. He needed a friend because Jude was his best friend. Not only did he break up with him, but he also crushed him. He didn’t think there would be this many repercussions.

Daria gently shut her locker. And just like that it was over. She walked away as if it was an easy, every day conversation.

****

“Taylor!” Connor called out.

By now, Daria had filled her in. She figured Daria would get the scoop, but she was surprised by the news. It was Jude who broke things off? It was Jude who couldn’t handle being gay? It was Jude?

“Taylor!” he called out again. This time she had to turn around. It’s not like she could say she didn’t hear him.

“Hey, Connor,” she politely smiled. She wasn’t sure how to act around him. Did she take Jude’s side? He was pretty beaten up over it – even if he said nothing that said something. She was Jude’s friend first, so that made the decision easy, right?

“Is Jude okay?”

She hesitated. “Are you?”

“Is he?” he challenged.

Behind Connor she saw Jude. He halted when he saw them talking, instantly going the other way.

“Did he say anything about me?” he changed the question.

Taylor still didn’t know what to say or how to act. Was Jude okay? He was clearly hurting, but was he okay?

“He didn’t, did he?”

“He did,” she instantly lied. It was like it was a reflex.

She had never seen Connor insecure. Sure, he had been confused for a while, but she never saw him to the point of insecure. Jesus, Jude must have fucked him up.

They were supposed to be forever – at least forever enough to last another year or two. They weren’t kidding around, this was the real deal for them. They were Jude and Connor. Connor and Jude. Whichever way you want to put it, they were real.

Connor looked down at the floor, shaking his head in disbelief. He repeated the conclusion. “He didn’t, did he?”

She couldn’t lie again. She shook her head. “No… He didn’t.”

He shifted his gaze up again, nodding with a smile. “It’s okay.”

The tears in his eyes suggested differently.

“He didn’t say a word after you didn’t sit by us,” she tried to make it better. “He started, but after a few seconds of talking he shut down. He wouldn’t even talk about any other topics. We ate in silence and he hasn’t said a word since.”

That seemed to lift his spirits enough. He may have been ignoring him, but at least this affected him in some shape or form.

“He cares about you,” Taylor blurted out. Jude would probably kill her for being so open with his ex, but she had to. She couldn’t get it out of her mind. This was Connor and Jude. She kept thinking that, but it was true. It was Connor and Jude. Connor and Jude. Connor and Jude.  


“He won’t reply to my texts.”

“He won’t reply to anyone’s,” she promised.

Connor nodded. “He’s probably talking to Callie all about it, right? They’re practically inseparable.”

“Or maybe he’s just not ready to talk to anyone,” she shrugged. “You mean more than you think you do to him.”

“Or meant,” he corrected.

Taylor laughed a little and he looked up in curiosity. “I mean mean.”


	3. Chapter 3

While Jude didn’t talk much at school he tried his best to play it cool in front of his family. He didn’t want sympathy or pity, he just wanted to live his life. Alone. He was doing a great job at keeping the image he was fighting for, the image that he was okay, until Callie caught him in the kitchen. It started out nonchalantly.

“I haven’t seen Connor around much,” Callie mentioned. “Are you two fighting?”

Jude ignored her as if that would make his sister go away. He would keep up the act of being okay, but he refused to talk about it. Just like he hadn’t uttered a word to Taylor about it over the past two weeks he wouldn’t be uttering a word to his family either. He wanted to preserve Connor’s memories. He didn’t want to focus on how much he hurt him.

However, Jude should have known Callie better than that. Even if she pulled away from him over the past few months she always came back to clutch on when Jude needed her. Except he didn’t need her right now. He didn’t really need anyone.

“Jude,” she said his name as if it should make him see how much she cared. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. It’s just a fight, we’ll get over ourselves.” He politely nodded, leaving the kitchen along with the conversation.

He’d seen Connor. It’s not like he wanted to break his heart – in fact he thought Connor wouldn’t care much. He thought it’d be easier this way. This way Connor wouldn’t have to embarrass his dad.

“I know it’s over,” Callie left her food to chase him down. "What's going on, Jude?"

He let out a deep sigh. “Who told you?”

“Connor did,” she said.

That caught his attention. “Why are you talking to Connor?”

“Why aren’t you talking to me?” she challenged.

“Stay out of my business, Callie.”

She put a hand on his arm, stopping him from moving. Jude froze for a moment, but in the end he turned around.

His voice was so defeated. “Why were you talking to Connor?”

“I ran into him the other day. He looked at me like I had eight arms when I said hi. He said he figured I wouldn’t like him anymore. I asked why, he told me you broke up with him. I wasn’t snooping. I’m an annoying sister, but I wasn’t snooping,” she smiled a little as she tried to lighten the mood.

He didn’t smile back.

“Jude-“

“Just don’t tell anyone else,” he snapped.

The only thing he could see is Connor walking away that day in his stupid hoodie and jeans. His shoulders were slumped – which said a lot because he was always so focused on good posture. Jude wanted to ask someone to drive his now ex-boyfriend home but before he got the offer out Connor was zipping up his navy blue hoodie and walking away.

The words from the day they broke up were so clear.

“You can’t walk home, Connor, you live too far.”

“I’ll figure it out,” he called back.

He didn’t look behind him though due to the pesky tears in his eyes. He was a man, he shouldn’t be crying. He wasn’t a baby, it was just some middle school romance, it meant nothing, he couldn’t cry over some boy. How did he even let Jude in this far? Somehow he met the boy and got close enough to come out as gay to his homophobic father. How did that even happen? Better yet, why did that even happen? He was an idiot to let it go this far.

If he had looked back Jude would be staring at the ground, his eyes closed. Sometimes he thought if he closed his eyes his boyfriend would be back like this never happened. So he closed his eyes. Hell, he was still closing his eyes, desperately hoping to see Connor up close again.

He ruined it. He knew that he ruined it, but something in him held on to the hope. It had only been two weeks. Maybe he would come back. But Jude wasn’t an idiot. He knew it was him who was running. Connor wasn’t the one who had to come back and apologize – that was Jude.

But it was easier to think it was Connor’s duty. So, he let himself believe that he just had to wait it out and Connor would come back. He held on to the part where it takes two to fight. Sometimes he believed his words. They were just fighting.

****

He sighed as he walked out of Anchor Beach. It would be the third weekend without Jude. He didn’t want to go through that again – the first two were painful enough. Daria kept offering to hang out. He really didn’t want to, but what was he supposed to say? That he was miserable and would prefer to sleep for the next 60 hours? Or something like that.

“So, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Daria summed up.

He nodded absentmindedly, going towards the beach. He just really needed to be alone right now.

Or maybe he didn’t, because with being alone he thought of it all. Everything related to Jude came back. The handwritten notes he kept, the bottle of blue nail polish that he still had in his room, that stupid, stupid smile. Fuck Jude Adams-Foster.

He saw Jude and Taylor up ahead of him. He didn’t know what to do so he did nothing, standing still. Jude scanned his surroundings and caught his eye. Connor gave the best smile he could muster up. The other boy showed nothing, turning back to converse with Taylor.

“I haven’t seen Jude around much,” his dad commented when he got home.

Connor looked down, continuing to his room. He didn’t have anything to say about that.

“Are you guys okay?”

Taking a deep breath he shook his head. He’d find out eventually so may as well tell him the news now. “You’ll be happy to know he broke up with me.”

The older man nodded slowly. “You’re right, that’s good news. Maybe you can get your head straight. You know, focus on sports or Daria – that Daria girl would be so good for you.”

Connor rolled his eyes, making his way upstairs. When he came down for dinner his dad didn’t look at him, but he said the words without a stutter. “I’m sorry he broke up with you… I don’t agree with your lifestyle, but he made you happy and I respect that.”

“Yeah,” he grunted.

“Well, there’s your whole life ahead of you.”

“Yeah.”

His father looked down at the table, his heart falling at the sight of his son wearing blue nail polish. Blue was a manly color, but nail polish was for girls. He didn’t even own nail polish remover so it looked like for the time being his son would be walking around with blue nails.

“So, how’s baseball looking?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Dad,” Connor looked down.

He hadn’t taken a bite of his food yet, Jude’s piercing eyes still sticking with him. He blatantly ignored him. It was like it never happened. He seemed fine and Connor was struggling to pick up the pieces. How could this be so easy for him?

“I need to be excused,” he pulled away.

His dad watched him go. He sat in the kitchen a while longer, just contemplating what the best course of action was. He eventually let out a breath, grabbing his cell phone and going outside.

When the number was dialed he paused, but in the end pressed it.

“Lena?” he asked when a voice answered on the other end. "It's Adam Stevens."

“Adam,” she said surprised. “What can I do for you? Is Connor okay?”

“I don’t know how to deal with this,” he cut to the chase. “How are you dealing with Jude?”

“It’s still rough, huh?” she sighed. “He’s not going to change-“

“Not that he’s gay,” he corrected. His attitude was curt as always. “The break up. I don’t know how to handle a son who’s gay in the first place. I don’t know how to help a broken heart.”

“What are you talking about, Adam?” she asked.

Then it hit him. They didn’t know.

“Your son broke my boy’s heart,” he accused. “And I don’t know how to fix that.”


	4. Chapter 4

He was sitting in the living room. The video game console was out and turned on but instead of playing Jude read a book. The game was on pause, just running. It made him feel at ease. If Connor were here the game would be on too. He hated that every time anyone asked to play video games he’d be reminded of his ex-boyfriend.

“Hey,” Lena smiled.

She’d been trying to figure out how to bring it up since she got the call yesterday, but she wasn’t good at this. Mariana she was okay with, but this was Jude. He was a good kid, he never hid anything from them before. Yet, here he was, not telling them a word about the breakup.

Jude looked over his book. He got up, “I’ll clean this up. Sorry, I thought Connor would be coming over.”

His mom’s heart fell. It was no longer a secret to her that Connor wouldn’t be coming over – at least not today.

“Why isn’t he coming over?” she asked.

He didn’t falter a bit. He was always a good liar – he had to be to survive the foster system – but he had never lied to them. At least not that they knew of. But here he was, lying to her face.

“His dad is being weird again,” he shrugged the question off. “He wanted him to go to the batting cage instead.”

“Jude-“

“I have to finish this book,” he smiled politely, picking the book back up. “It’s for school.”

It wasn’t a book for school. Lena knew that because she oversaw the curriculum, but that wasn’t the problem here. There were bigger fish to fry than his made-up assigned reading. Avoidance tactics weren’t first in line. The topic of what he was avoiding was what had to be discussed.

“Connor’s not at the batting cages,” she told him.

It was a split second decision. He couldn’t tell you why he did it, but he did. He acted completely clueless, and if Lena didn’t get a call from Connor’s dad she would have believed every word Jude was spitting out through his teeth.

“Is he okay?” he asked, a sense of panic in his voice. That much was genuine – he truly was panicking that Connor wasn’t okay.

“You broke up, huh?” she quit trying to beat around the bush.

He didn’t know how to react, but he knew he felt angry. “Did Callie seriously tell you?”

“Callie knew?”

“Right,” he rolled his eyes. “I know she told you, you don’t have to cover it up for her.”

“Adam called,” Lena broke the news.

Jude froze, clearly not thinking that he might do that. Instead of acknowledging the fact that Lena knew or Adam called or that he was lying through his teeth he instead picked up the phone. He shut down. The only thing he could do was diddle on his phone.

“Jude,” Lena called out.

He always listened to them, acknowledged them, but this time he acted as if she didn’t say a word.

He was so young, but it was no secret to Lena that this was more than a young love to Jude. This was Connor.

“Talk to us when you’re ready,” she patted his knee, going back upstairs.

****

Walking into school on Monday he didn’t plan to do anything. He was heartbroken, quiet, and didn’t plan on making a scene.

Then he saw him.

He rushed over, pushing past lunch tables. Just as Daria was sitting down Jude pushed her away. “I have to talk to him but Taylor is free.”

Clearly caught off guard she nodded, walking across the cafeteria. Jude saw Taylor smile a bit and rolled his eyes. This wasn’t an apology.

“Why are you telling everyone our business?” he asked bluntly, clearly upset.

Connor stared at him before shaking his head and unwrapping his sandwich. Jude had to be kidding right now. He had to. He wasn’t that much of an asshole.

“I’m serious, Connor,” he growled, getting angrier by the second.

Why was he so pissed off by this? All he was doing is saying that Jude broke up with him… which is what he did.

“It’s my choice to tell. What am I supposed to say Jude?” he asked tiredly, clearly bored with the conversation.

Jude didn’t have anything to say to that. What exactly did he want Connor to say? He was telling the truth, but he didn’t have to be so public about it.

“Should I say we’re _fighting_?” he said bitterly. Jude’s head snapped up at that. So Connor had heard Jude’s explanation for things. “We aren’t fighting, Jude. You broke up with me.”

“So you’re punishing me for that?”

“How am I punishing you?” he spat back. He could stay calm with Jude and his antics, but even he was going too far. “You broke up with me, but I’m the one who’s punishing you?”

Jude stayed silent. There was a lot of truth in those words but he couldn’t get past the anger that Connor seemed to be moving on with this. He was still stuck on the fact that they weren’t broken up. It was a fight.

“Go back with Taylor, Jude.”

“What?” Jude stuttered.

He didn’t stutter a bit. “Go back with Taylor.”

“Are you serious?”

Connor just stared at him blankly. Of course he was serious. Why the hell would he want to have a lunch filled with arguing with his ex?

“I’m your boyfriend.”

He couldn’t help it. His eyes went wide. “You aren’t my boyfriend, Jude.”

“It’s a fight, we’re going to get over it.”

“You said what you said loud and clear,” he huffed, clearly not over it at all. The both weren’t over it.

“So you think we aren’t going to resolve this?”

“I think you need to figure out what you want,” he agreed. “Go back with Taylor.”

He still didn’t, so Connor got up himself. He went over to his old table where the girls were sitting. “Someone go with Jude.”

As he figured, Taylor got up, going over there. Daria stared.

“You okay?”

Connor nodded. “He’s so confusing.”

She simply nodded, not wanting to make the fire bigger.

“He’s being an ass,” he said with more conviction. He was getting progressively angrier with each word spoken. “This is a fight?” he huffed. “Yeah right.”

As Taylor arrived to Jude she sat down.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jude made it clear.

Taylor didn’t acknowledge the words much while picking up her sandwich. And like many days before, she nodded, “I never asked.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Hey,” Katie smiled from the next row of desks over.

Jude looked over surprised. No one had talked to him lately. Which is probably for the best because those who had been talking to him got a monster. He didn’t know why, he just kept snapping. He seemed to be pissed at everything – he was even mad at Taylor most of the time. She was a true friend for sticking around, he knew that, yet he couldn’t stop snapping at people.

“Want to be my partner?”

He had barely talked to this girl in his life, but he nodded his head absentmindedly before furrowing his eyebrows.

“Wait, partner for what?”

“He just explained an entire assignment,” she laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ll explain it later. Just say yes because I don’t want to work alone.”

He looked over at Connor who was sitting in the first row. He was talking to Nick but as if he felt Jude’s eye he looked up just in time to watch Jude quickly avert his gaze.

“Yeah, I’ll be your partner.”

“Cool,” she grinned. “I didn’t think you’d say yes.”

“Of course,” he smiled a little. “So do you want to meet in the library during study hall?”

So, that was what brought him to the library during study hall. He walked in with the guilt of leaving Connor to fend for himself for the project weighing on him. He was good friends with Nick so he probably wouldn’t mind working with him, but it still felt wrong. Ever since the year started they did everything in that class together. Even homework. He knew that they stopped doing homework together since the unintentional break up, but being paired with someone else makes it more real. They weren’t a package any more.

Why couldn’t he just suck up his pride and uncertainty and be with who makes him happy? Something in him stopped him from going back.

When he walked in he saw Katie patiently waiting. He smiled, going over to the table she had. They got to work and he warmed up to her quicker than he expected to. She was a kind girl but she reminded him so much of Connor. She was even into sports and video games. She was a tomboy – which explains why kids at Anchor Beach would make her feel left out. She was similar to Emma.

“I’m surprised you aren’t working with Connor,” she brought up subtly. Not subtly enough.

He ignored the comment, turning a page in the textbook.

“Are you guys okay?”

“I know you heard the news,” he said.

She looked down, clearly caught.

“We broke up three weeks ago.”

They were both silent for a while. Then, she spoke up again.

“I have a question and I don’t want you to get mad but it’s a rumor going around-“

“Just ask,” Jude ordered calmly. He hadn’t lost his cool in front of this girl yet and the last thing he needed was to snap at her in a library.

“Are you gay?” she wondered. “I mean, some people are saying you broke up with him because you realized you aren’t gay.”

It was another split second decision. He didn’t have time to think it over, it was instinct. He shook his head profusely, not denying he liked boys but quickly blurting out, “I like girls.”

Katie smiled at that. “Then we should go out some time.”

“Yeah, that’d be fun.”

“I’m talking a date,” she clarified.

Jude never was good at taking a hint. He looked up again with a smile on his face and an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. He had to get over Connor sooner or later, right?

“That’d be fun,” he repeated. “I’ll ask my moms to pick you up.”

****

“So, what’s the deal with you and Jude?” Nick asked. They’d been friends for a while, but Connor going through a break up was new territory.

“He thinks he’s not gay,” Connor rolled his eyes, still kind of sour over Jude’s actions. This wasn’t a fight, this was Jude in denial. “He’s trying to go back in the closet basically.”

Nick nodded. “It’s been a few weeks. Are you looking? My brother is two years ahead of us but he’s super nice and super gay. I can hook you up.”

“Like a matchmaker?” he asked skeptically.

Nick laughed but in the end agreed with the term. His eyes wandered across the library to Jude and Katie. He didn’t know Katie well, but he knew her well enough to know that she wanted more than a study date.

Nick started talking again, “I don’t have to, but if you want to I can-“

“Sure,” Connor said, surprising himself. His attention focused solely on Nick again. “I mean, it’d be nice to get back out there.”

“He might kill me for meddling in his life, but I’ll set you both up,” he smiled widely.

It’d been hard to come out. In fact, the whole process went awful. First his dad was against it, then Jude didn’t know what the hell he wanted… Talking to Nick was really the first person he felt comfortable around. He finally felt at ease. For the first time he could be himself.

“Can I give him your number? No promises he’ll call but I think he will.”

“Sure,” he agreed. “Just make sure he knows I’m cute.”

They gave each other a sly smile before going back to the project.

He didn’t expect anything out of it. It was honestly somewhat a joke. He knew Nick but he never even mentioned a gay brother. He figured he’d give the number and he’d get nothing back. He got a text though.

 **Unknown:** Hey, is this Connor?  
**Connor:** Yeah, who’s this?  
 **Unknown:** I’m Preston. Nick’s brother.

He smiled, saving the number in his phone. This was Nick’s brother. It was happening. It was time to start the moving on process.

****

“Jude, wanna play?” A.J. asked from his spot on the couch. The console was on, but instead of idly humming on a start page the game was paused as AJ waited for his answer.

He looked down, not prepared for how much that would trigger the memory of Connor. He didn’t mean any harm, but A.J. brought it all back. A part of Jude was angry that he would even try to play video games in front of him. How insensitive was that?

“You don’t have to,” A.J. quickly added. “I was just trying to be nice.”

“I know,” Jude gives a small smile. “Thanks, but not this time.”

“Is Connor coming over? He’s always fun to play with.”

He didn’t know what to reply to that. A.J. tended to be out of the loop, but apparently Jude’s love life wasn’t on his radar. He could explain, but even though it had been weeks he just didn’t have it in him.

“He’s busy today.”

He sighed, looking at his hands as they squirmed over nothing.

Who was he kidding? He wasn't ready to move on. He couldn’t go out with Katie, because, while he hated it, his heart was still reserved.

He had to call off the date.


	6. Chapter 6

“Hey,” Katie smiled the next day in school. She walked up to him after class again.

He didn’t want to do it.

“So, what movie should we see this weekend?”

He couldn’t do it.

“I was thinking that one romance, but I know some guys don’t like romance so maybe-“

“I can’t go out with you,” he rushed the words out. Rip off the Band-Aid.

“Right,” she winced, subtly putting more space between them. She furrowed her eyebrows in pure confusion. “I thought you said you realized you liked girls now."

Maybe that was true, but maybe it wasn’t. He just didn’t know yet, and what he did know for sure was that he still missed the void that Connor filled. He probably should have moved on by now, but he still felt it. 

“I know,” he looked down. “I thought I was ready, but after thinking it over… I’m not.”

“You realized your gay.”

“No!” he quickly objected. “I still don’t think I am but-“

Katie let out a sigh before staring past his head, her face numb. “You still love Connor?”

“I don’t love Connor,” he immediately defended himself when there was nothing to defend. Katie’s skeptical look made him confirm it. “Believe me. I’m not in love with him.”

“Well, you sure aren’t over him either,” she said softly. “He’d take you back.”

She started blending in with the crowd as she walked away. He turned to his locker to enter the combination and opened the door to look at his books. 

“And Jude?”

He turned around to see Katie yet again.

“Don’t be afraid of loving who you love,” she said wisely. “It’s okay to be gay. Honestly, the only person who isn’t okay with it is you.”

****

“This is nice,” Connor noted. 

Preston politely walked to his side of the table after pulling out the younger boy’s chair. He tucked the keys to his hand-me-down 2008 sedan in his pocket before returning his attention to his date.

“You seem nervous.”

“I’m not nervous.”

Preston smiled a little, casually tilting his head to the side.

“Maybe a little,” Connor laughed it off. “To be honest, this is my first real date. You know, no parents driving us places or whatever and no telling my dad I’m seeing a girl when it’s actually a guy… This is nice.”

He laughed, nodding his head. He knew what Connor meant. It’s always awkward to first come out. He himself only came out a year ago so it’s not like he was an expert.

“So,” he changed the subject. It was clear the previous was dead. “Tell me about yourself.”

He briefly gave a summary and Preston listened, returning with a synopsis of himself after. They talked about sports which Connor was happy with – he knew the stereotypical gay boy didn’t play sports and cared more about fashion. He didn’t know if he could date a guy like that. And Preston heard that Connor played video games – his own collections of games was pretty impressive. He could even beat his brother at almost every one.

He looked down at his nails. His dad had bought him nail polish remover right when he saw they were painted but Connor didn’t use it until this date. He didn’t want to bring his ex-boyfriend with him to the date, and in order to avoid doing that he had to lose the nail polish.

“So, who’s this Jude guy?” Preston asked. 

Connor’s head shot up at the name. He knew about Jude?

“Nick told me. You know, he just wanted to make sure I knew your basic history.”

He smiled a little before looking down at his dinner and giving a chuckle. “Jude is an ass.”

“I don’t know much, just that he screwed you over,” he nodded, “You deserve more than to be screwed over.”

“He doesn’t want to be gay,” Connor suddenly sighed. “I mean, I guess that doesn’t make him an ass. Just confused.”

“He’s an ass,” Preston repeated.

“In his defense, we’re fourteen. For all I know he really could be going through a phase.”

“Okay, but he’s an ass.”

Connor stopped defending him and instead nodded his head. “He’s an ass.”

“Let’s drink to that,” he laughed, holding his diet coke in the air. 

Connor held up his lemonade, joining their non-alcoholic toast. Jude really was confused, and probably even an ass, but there was still something Connor couldn’t shake. 

He was shoving Jude out of the picture when he wasn’t ready to leave him behind.

****

“So, how was it?” Nick asked. 

Jude walked by just as he said the words but played it cool. He went to a seat a few seats over and listened in. He wanted to hear about his life. He had to. He missed him.

“It was good,” Connor grinned. “Did he have a good time?”

“He really likes you,” he confirmed. “Sounds like a second date is in the works.”

Jude’s heart dropped. Connor was moving on – he wasn’t staying caught up on them. He just blew off a great girl while his ex was out there mingling with other guys. And who the hell was he with? Other than the two of them Jude didn’t even know any gay guys at anchor beach – at least not in their grade.

Shit, he realized. He was moving on to an older boy. He couldn’t compete with that.

“You’re in my seat.”

Jude turned to face Megan and smiled politely as he moved to his assigned desk.

“You need to fight for him,” Katie said nonchalantly, not even moving her head to face him. “You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

****

“Pick me,” he ordered.

Connor jumped, clearly caught by surprise at the familiar voice. “What-“

“I know I suck,” Jude admitted, “but I made a mistake.”

“You did,” he agreed. “I’m seeing someone else.”

“Please, pick me,” Jude pressed. “I love you-“

“I know you’re confused, and I respect that,” he started, “but respect me when I say that I’m not confused, and I don’t want to be waiting on the sidelines until you figure out if you are or are not gay.”

The short boy stared at the floor before looking up heartbroken. He literally looked heartbroken and it took everything in Connor not to jump and take him back right there.

“Who is he?”

“His name is Preston,” Connor said quietly.

Jude nodded as he processed it. “He’s gonna break your heart.”

“Excuse me?” Connor asked in disbelief. 

Before they could fight, Jude walked away. He said what he needed to say. He really would break Connor’s heart. It was only a matter of time.


End file.
